You Can Dance If You Want To

Lexus: Delusions to Remember

With the Christmas season upon us, no doubt you’ve seen those preposterous Lexus “December to Remember” TV commercials that are all over the airwaves.  You know the ones where the girl gives the guy a brand new Lexus with a big red bow on it as a Christmas gift.

First off, who are these astonishingly pompous people and how can I find them and get on the gift list? Seriously, is this act of ultra-extravagant gift-giving commonplace somewhere we common folk don’t know about? What the hell happened to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?!?

Just imagine the alternate reality of dating one of these Diva’s? She queues up the faint sound of Silent Night, dims the house lights, sets the Christmas lights to extra sparkle and leads you (like a Vogue model Elf) to the driveway where your brand spanking shiny new Lexus is red-bowed and awaiting your butt cheeks.

At first glance you think “NO WAY UNBELIEVABLY FREAK’N AWESOME YOU ARE THE BEST!!!” Then, 3.4 seconds later you think, “Crap, I don’t have anything that even remotely compares to this! Doesn’t matter that her mitten/scarf set is from K-Mart’s new Sophia Vegara line, she’s still gonna think I’m a schlub.” See photo for this precise moment when joy left his body.

And so it begins… From this moment on, you will forever have to raise your gift giving game to humongous heights or suffer deep-seated woefully inadequate schlub feelings.

How about stocking stuffers? Your Ms. Claus has your Presidential-looking stocking stuffed with a variety of Robb Reports recommended gifts for the fashionably elite; Patek Philippe watch, Gold & Diamond iPhone, Gucci wallet, Habano Cuban cigars and 2 luxury-suite box seats to the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, you stuffed her sorry sad sack with a deodorant stick, a thong and a small bottle of CVS brand body lotion. Schlub.

Roses for your anniversary? Only if you want to officially carve your Schlubery in stone. After all, last year she bought you a quaint Italian restaurant, personal chef, wine cellar and virtuoso violinist. Bitch.

Should you find yourself in this predicament, unable to side-step the wealth of riches granted upon you, try and make the best of it. At times, you may be uncomfortable flaunting your new Lexus to the less fortunate and those struggling in todays down economy but just grin and bear it.  ‘Tis The Season after all.

Happy Ho Ho! 🙂


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